The Dating Hack You Didn’t Know You Needed
July 2024
Hey Caddyshackers
It's a Tuesday night. You're on the couch, in your comfy PJ’s, eating leftover Thai and bingeing the latest Sex Education series. Again.
*notification on phone*
A message from [insert dating app here] appears.
“Not sure if this is too forward, but you are really pretty, and I would love to take you on a date?”
A date? You're hesitant and unsure if it’s even worth it. Do you really want to get dressed up, put in effort to your appearance, spend money and mental energy on going out on a full-fledged date with someone you have never met in real life (irl)?
In the realm of dating
Where swipes and likes are abundant, the search for genuine connection can feel like a vast sea (or maybe a space vacuum) of expectation and fleeting potential. It has become increasingly clear we need to switch up the game and refine our skills in deciphering our wants and desires, and investing our time, energy and emotions into fostering meaningful connections and nurturing these relationships.
Enter the vibe check.
A dynamic tool for any savvy dater. How can the vibe check elevate your dating game? How can it help you navigate these murky waters with finesse and confidence? How can you find a match?
Unsure? Don’t worry, we’ve got you - just keep reading.
Let’s start with the basics
Most of us have been there before. You agreed to a first date (we’re talking the classic dinner and a movie style) that only turns out to be a colossal waste of your time. Spending money and wasting energy on something, only to know within the first 15 minutes that the connection isn’t there. That is exactly why you need a pre-date vibe check.
But what is a vibe check?
We’re glad you asked! A vibe check is ideally a short meet and greet that helps you gauge the energy and compatibility between you and a potential date. Meet up for a quick walk, a coffee or just one simple drink, and work out if there is a genuine connection and anything further worth pursuing.
Dating should be an enjoyable process, it’s about having fun and exploring yourself as much as meeting new people. Whether you are looking for a casual fling, long or short-term relationship - your comfort, safety and fun should come first.
What are the benefits of a Vibe Check?
Not only are vibe checks a great way to determine if you have a real connection with someone, but they can also have various other personal advantages, including self–awareness, trust building, self-care practices, personal growth, beneficial safety precautions and many others. This list could be endless, and we encourage you to get as personal as possible with what the benefits can be.
If you’ve been dating for a while and trying the apps, you may have felt overwhelmed, or maybe you’re just getting back into dating and it’s all a bit intimidating. It can absorb a lot of mental energy and motivation to be active in the dating pool. We know talking to someone online can be misleading, and of course nerve racking. Committing to a date is tricky when you're unsure of who they are and whether the digital body language will really translate to physical body language and real chemistry. Talk about intimidating! It’s a lot.
Body language, tone, and chemistry play critical roles in connection. They form a physical language in which individuals communicate and gauge compatibility. They are not only crucial in understanding connection but also to establishing a sense of safety and security in an interaction.
From subtle gestures to posture, body language can reveal volumes about someone's emotions and intentions. Which can offer valuable clues to the underlying dynamics of the interaction.
Tone also encompasses not just words spoken but someone’s delivery and emotional resonance. Which in turn, can cultivate an atmosphere that can create meaningful connections.
Chemistry can’t be forced or manufactured, it’s an elusive spark of mutual attraction, which will arise naturally when there's alignment in passions, values, and emotions. These elements create a foundation upon which genuine connection is built, and key to recognise when conducting a vibe check.
The rhetoric around dating is already changing, and this is not a new idea we at Caddyshack have identified. A recent post from @gspot._ on Instagram, discusses low effort dating. A “phenomenon that encourages you to be wise with the time, effort, and money you spend on a stranger”. Like a vibe check, low effort dating is about not investing energy and time into extravagant first dates, when you don’t know this person. It’s beneficial to try fitting a vibe check into your daily plans.
Not sure how to do this? One way is to think of low effort casual encounters that can lead into other pre-planned activities. So maybe grabbing a morning coffee before you head out to the Sunday market with your family or catching a drink before dinner with your friends.
How to have a successful Vibe Check?
Here are some tips and tricks that we think can help you get the most out of your first pre-date vibe check.
Call it what it is. “Why don’t we go on a vibe check?” Understand and communicate your expectations and wants before you meet up. Set your boundaries and be honest to yourself, and who you are meeting. Communicate your intentions clearly and concisely, so both of you are on the same page and can focus on why you are there.
Set your limits. Set and communicate clear and honest boundaries with a time limit. A 30 to 45 minute vibe check is a decent amount of time to spend. This doesn't need to be a hard and fast rule, if you are vibing, then of course trust the journey and keep chatting. But if you feel uneasy, call it early. Give yourself autonomy over how much of yourself you want to give this person. This is a first meeting, and there should be no expectations to owe someone certain information. You can decide what you are willing to share and it’s important to respect others with what they are also willing to share. Practicing the navigation of healthy boundaries and consent at the very beginning of relationships will further strength your connections. Remember this is a meeting to gauge if you have a connection and are interested in pursuing a date. It’s not a short date to pile everything in at once!
Remove the pressure. Don’t aim or expect this to be a romantic meet up with sparks flying or try fit in the criteria of a date. These don’t need to be indicators to whether there is a genuine connection and potential. This is meant to be a relaxed and pressure free environment, don’t go conducting an interview and get out your notebook! Take notice of the vibes and energy that flows when you meet up. Could this be something romantic? Or is it more a platonic friendship energy?
Be authentic. In a world of the ‘digital self’ with curated personas and profiles, finding genuine authenticity can feel impossible. It can also add another layer to dating anxiety and the worry of meeting someone you have been chatting to irl. Put yourself out there and be intentional, being vulnerable and brave is a part of dating. Take it in your stride and be authentic to yourself, because authenticity will attract the right people, your people. When conducting a vibe check don’t feel pressured to conform to societal expectations or play games to impress. Instead, focus on fostering an authentic connection based on shared values, interests, and mutual respect. We know being genuine and true can be intimidating and scary when first engaging with someone. By practicing these skills in a low pressure vibe check environment, you will be able to improve your dating game AND your relationship with yourself.
Be present and engage. Engaging in meaningful conversations will allow the true connection to show. Ask open-ended questions, be present and actively listen to their responses. Pay attention to how the conversation flows, does it feel effortless and fluid, or forced and awkward? Trust your instincts to guide you towards topics that resonate and spark genuine connection.
What if I don’t pass the Vibe Check?
Ask yourself what determines a successful vibe check? The aim of the game here isn’t to win the date. It’s not a test. For a true win, a successful vibe check is determined by how honest and respectful you were to yourself and the other person. This is not a time to prove yourself but a moment for both individuals to focus on themselves and see if there is connection and potential?
We are always about aftercare here at Caddyshack. Vibe checks can be short and intense meetings and it's crucial to prioritize self-care and reflection. Check in with yourself, what does aftercare look like for you? Whether you choose to spend time with friends, spend time alone to reflect and recharge, or engage in specific activities that bring you joy, respect and maintain your emotional well-being and health. By giving yourself the space to reflect and recharge, you can ensure that the connections made during the vibe check continue to resonate positively in your life.
Let’s sum it up
The vibe check is trending for a reason, this isn’t just fleeting. It’s a powerful tool for finding and cultivating genuine connections in the multifaceted world of dating. Trust and embrace the journey that dating can give you. By embracing and owning your authenticity, and trusting your instincts, knowing your personal limits and boundaries, you will navigate the dating scene with confidence and grace.
So, take those risks, remove the pressure of the first date and make your next meet up a vibe check. May it lead you into strengthening and growing your relationships.
Looking for more info?
Of course we have some recommendations!
100 dates by Dr Angela Ahola
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Mating In Captivity by Esther Perel
How To Know A Person by David Brooks
Help Lines and Support
Until next time,
Peace, Love & Protection
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