August 2023

Hey there Caddyshackers! 

Guest blogger Jen here. 

We are keeping the good vibes rolling this month with a look into Sex Positivity! A term we use A LOT in our work and feel really strongly about, but something you may not have heard of or thought about before. 

So, what is sex positivity? 

This is a term you may have seen around a little more in the last few years. It certainly is having a moment right now. In order to explain what it is, maybe we should start with its opposite…sex negativity. 

A sex negative lens implies (doesn’t even necessarily need to state) that human sexuality must be contained and controlled, as if unleashed it would be dangerous to society and to the individual. It’s an atmosphere that ultimately creates fear, shame and anxiety and lots of debate around what’s ‘normal’. This stifles our natural curiosity as “sexual beings” from the cradle to the grave and creates societal taboo and judgement (we don’t need to add to that). 

The repercussions are poor body image, low self-esteem and in some cases a very real splitting of the individual self that may not feel safe for people to fully reveal who they are or to ask for what they find pleasurable. 

Need a metaphor?

I’m all for a good metaphor to explain a concept. Let’s say sexual desire is as natural as needing to sneeze, feeling hungry (oops pun alert) or go to the toilet. Imagine having that urge or sensation AND thinking there was something wrong with you. Or worse having to suppress it or, having it suppressed for you via shame and being told off and/or having disgust or fear reflected back to you.

Yes, we will need to go right back to early childhood programming that has been absorbed both overtly and subconsciously and unpack it a little bit. Some examples of the ‘messaging’ you may have been absorbing might be… 

Sex is unpleasant or dirty; sex is just for marriage; women shouldn’t masturbate; lie about how often you masturbate; sex is a sin; you need to trade sex for safety or affection; sex is a right even if the other person doesn’t enjoy it and or/consent to it; that only men and women have sex with one another and on and on and on…

This has led to much suppression of a person’s authentic self and also led us to a place where sexual orientation and gender identity has fitted into a predominantly heteronormative (male, female) paradigm.

It’s no one’s business but your own who you are attracted to, how you identify, and how you express your gender or non-conforming gender identity. You don’t have to explain yourself either, cisgender and heterosexual people don’t have to! 

So, as I am fond of saying, let’s flip it.

Let’s get comfortable with the idea that sex, either alone or with another person, is a healthy activity.

Just like other healthy activities, it’s a choice.

Therefore it’s also ok if you don’t want to have sex, or want to wait till you’re in an exclusive relationship (for moral, religious or personal reasons), or are asexual.

Sex positive is not about having as much sex with as many different people as possible (also, still fine!). It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you if you don’t want to try oral, anal, BDSM, porn, threesomes, orgies, hook up culture (also, still fine!).

It is your body, your life and your desires. Can we please drop the judgy term vanilla while we’re at it too? 

There isn’t one “normal”. Let’s respect other people’s choices, just as we would respect what other people choose to eat. Your friend is vegan, doing keto or just binged a whole bag of cheezels? That’s their choice. Please if you are a good friend, you’re not going to rant about how they should be clean eating (don’t get me started with this term as it implies dirty eating... and there is that shame again).

We are human and we don’t live life perfectly all the time (what does that even mean yikes!). Sh*t happens every day, so let’s be accepting of someone catching an STI, living with herpes or having an ‘unplanned pregnancy’. 

Need a definition?

Sex positivity is about looking at sex through the lens of natural playfulness. It’s not a measurement for the amount of sex you are having, wanting or desiring. It’s about respect and agency for your own and other people’s sexual expression. 

Embracing human sexuality is as wide ranging as diversity. It’s about a right to pleasure, to choices and to being your genuine, authentic self. 

Want more?

Keep reading, learn more and get a better understanding of sex positivity over on Sex Positive World

One of our fav, fun, sex positive projects of this year has been our animal selfie series. Combining our love of animals and our sex positivity vibes, we came up with these cute, funny and totally positive “dating” profiles. We hope they have given you a chuckle when needed throughout the year.  

So until next time, let’s get comfortable, even if we do feel some embarrassment and embrace that sex is part of everyday life that can be discussed openly and always always always…involves consent. 

Peace, Love & Protection 

x